Marriage Fears

Some more ramblings from me and my best friend... Thank God she keeps me sane.

Me: I wound up going to lunch with Ashita and we were talking about life. She's such a sweetie - full of life, yet I haven't met anyone who's suffered as much as her. We got to talking about marriage again - I was complaining to her yesterday about how my mom was putting on the pressure, and she said one small thing to make me shut up. "You know Tera, how many people are out there who would love just another moment to talk with their moms, even if it's about something like getting married? She probably just wants to see you happy." It hit home.

So, i told her I apologized to my mom last night.... It frustrated me that she kept bringing it up like I was taking too long. My mom apologized and said that she didn't mean to pressure me - she was just trying to create small talk. "Kiddo," my mom said, "I already resolved that you'd never get married." In my mind, I said "Okay, thanks mom..." but I left it at that.

We talked about how my biggest fear is marriage - that I've never really witnessed (from close up) a good, strong, solid, faithful marriage. I've heard people talk about their parents and grandparents and whatnot, but I'd never seen it for myself. How can I know how to have a good relationship if I don't know how it's done? She said that's where faith begins. "You HAVE seen it, Tera. But how much of people's relationships do you really see up close? You're not going to know until you do it yourself - and trust that God will take care of the details." Okay, good point.

It's slowly making sense... It's NOT my job to make sense of everything BEFORE I do it. And besides, even if I did see someone with a perfect marriage - the way they handle things may not be the way I should handle things. Part of me is like, DUUUUUH! Of course! The other part of me just wants to say, But it's so hard! Can't you at least give me a checklist?
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Alisha: interesting email this one.

ok, i think your friend made a great point. it's funny how points like that need to be made, huh? reminder: complain less about the rents. they mean well... sometimes they are MEAN...but they mean well. :)

a checklist huh? you don't want that. you aren't going grocery shopping -- you are living. and the only way to truly live is not to let life be routine -- how much more routine would you have it if you had a checklist for your marriage, for your love, intimacy... nah, it wouldn't be what you want..plus you'd always know what was missing and/or coming your way -- and where is the life, the pulsing in that? :)

you know -- you say you don't know much about good relationships, but i think you aren't giving credit where it's due.

look at you and me. we've been friends for years -- we have an open/honest relationship with love and expectations. we learned how to talk to each other..how to be around one another; we find balance; we communicate; we make an effort.

look at (insert friend here) and (insert friend's spouse here) -- two non-ideal lifestyles with extra kiddies -- find God and themselves all in one sitting. they now have a home; balance their children and QT together and BAM! are experiencing one of the most precious things -- a baby -- together. And this round -- this lil one -- is actually planned/wanted/not a bad suprise. they are glowing from it all.

my parents. you can see where the pressure points are and what they do to find happiness. they see humor as a form of affection and are raising a home. they created Rachel -- the most great gift ever -- and the invite you into their home as family.

your parents. most people give up on marriage. you know - this may not be the ideal situation; they may not have as much in common as you'd like to have when you marry -- but you can't completely knock them or put the on the "unsuccessful" list --- because they are TEACHING you what you want and what you don't. they have been together for a long time and they are trying together still. and the thing is -- they would move for one another. uproot themselves. there is some love there.

anyway, i could go on...but it's almost time to go.

what i've learned -- and still learning -- is that love is simple and cannot be studied. if you put it under a microscope -- you'll only go crazy. you must love YOU -- figure out what brings you joy -- and try to find someone who smiles over the same things; who wants similar adventures and appreciates the moments of silence you do. that's what it's about. and it's all about timing. you can't follow a model or duplicate ...and you don't want carbon copies. you want a love all of your own -- one that fits you perfectly. then and only then will you realize that checklist isn't even needed. all that you want (and things you'd be suprised you want) are there.

take care friend.